Life is a spiral path & D-Day!

Translation: “Once you have found yourself, you have nothing left to lose in this world. Whoever has understood the human being within himself understands all human beings.”

This morning I was writing my morning pages. I was not able to for two days because of early work. And that always throws me off base ever so slightly. The Pages bring me in contact with my feelings. I get centered. This morning I felt something odd. As if I was in my twenties again. Thinking: What am I going to do when I am a big girl? In 1986 I quit my studies at the PABO. I was forcing myself into a life destined for disaster and depression. I started working for two years. All kinds of jobs, just as I am doing now. I was 21 when my singing teacher, Thea Ekker - van der Pas, told me I could consider conservatory. Our friend Arie Spiero was first violinist at the residentie orchestra. I had always thought the conservatory was a school for geniuses. But I was so lost at the time I was was practically ready for anything. Pulling my shoulders up I thought: " If I'm not good for nothing I might as well sing" So....I committed myself to prepare well. I took lessons in music theory and started to prepare repertoire. I got accepted into three conservatories in 1988, age 22. At the age of 28 I knew Opera was my great love. I auditioned myself into the opera class. at the age of 30 I got my well earned three diploma's.

I feel the same urge to make a plan for next year, because all of a sudden I want to do

everything at once. Audition, study daily, make a new show, make my practice grow, write ( Blog and Book and workshops)& travel, search my new house in Spain, Andalusië, organize a retreat. It feels like there is an explosion of energy inside of me. And I just KNOW I am going to do it too. I just know. I was struck by the resemblance of feeling and thoughts. and my need for a plan. Because the past years I have given life a chance to come to me. Instead of me "MAKING" my life. Going with the flow. Not enforcing things. I stopped planning, stopped my bloody to do lists for a reason. Well honestly, they're back. In the form of flexible Post-its. So I started to google. I had heard of 12 year cycles in life. I found one that is about 28 year cycles. (article is in Dutch but maybe there is a translate button)

I am now at the age of 56! The planet Saturn makes a cycle of approximately 28 years. Every 28 years it comes back to where it was at the time of your birth. Every cycle has a period of 4 times 7 years.

1. Birth 0-7
2. A period of releasing yourself 8-14
3. Testing and puberty 15- 21
4. Period of wanting to get results 21-28

At 28 the whole cycle starts all over again. Older and wiser we hope.

Period 4 in the new Cycle is 50-56. It's a crucial moment in my life. The article says.

Will I be  all fired up again? Or am I tired of conquering my place in society and in relationships? Is it D-day or Decision Day! Are we going for the hero phase or are we going to retreat? (This of course is a reference to the Hero with a thousand faces in Joseph Campbells book. Where the hero, after a period of retreat, needs to go back into the world or to his land to fulfill his or her final destination. Be king or queen, that kind of stuff in the movies. Sharing their wisdom with the world. Become a leader.)

What?           Retreat?!             No way!                     

D-Day it is!

At the age of 56 I am reborn into a new cycle.

So I am being reborn again. AGAIN! Feels good. A new adventure! To do the things I want for years. After years of sacrifice and detours I am back on track. Everything has led me to this particular place in time and space. I experience a self-awareness of the highest level. No longer influenced by the EYES OF THE OTHER. Free from judgement and appreciation of others. Free! Period.  A fresh sart. Yes! With rediscovered  confidence I have a different way of dealing with fear. Oh, and another thing: I am so much more playful!

Time for planning and playing.